Silver linings... #gethappy

**Hopping up on my soapbox** 

It's been a few months, so I decided that it's time to write a post. Last week I was talking with one of my favorite people on God's green earth about how we have so much to be grateful for. I'm not going to lie-- life isn't  perfect and it's not always easy to find the silver lining, but isn't it so much better when we choose to be happy?! The past 14 months have been full of life altering events and choices; I haven't always been able to see the good. There have been days where I have had to force myself to find a positive thing, but I did it! I kept repeating every day that I could choose to be happy or choose to be mad/sad/annoyed/a wallowing mess, and I chose happiness. A friend took my mantra one step further and told me that I get to be happy. How great is that?! I GET to be happy. So I decided to take this another step further...

Several months ago, my sister Hayley took the 100 Happy Days challenge. She told me about it while she was staying with me when a very dear friend of ours passed away. Even though she was in the middle of this shocking and sad event, she had to find something that made her happy every day. That weekend we created moments of laughter and happiness amidst our tears and sorrow. She told me that the challenge was something I should consider taking. Since then, she and other friends on Instagram have taken and completed the challenge. I have loved seeing the pictures of what one finds happiness in! Sooooo Hayley.... Challenge accepted! 

Today I posted my first #100happydays photo, so only 99 to go :) If you are looking for something to help you find the good things in your life, take the challenge! Every day you can push yourself to find at least one thing that makes you happy. Being grateful for the smallest thing can really change your outlook. 

**Stumbling off my soap box** 

I love you all and hope you get to be happy!

Forgiveness...is more than saying sorry! #notjustasong

This is not a typical Kortni post y'all... I might get a bit churchy here. Just wanted to give you some fair warning :)

Lately, I have been on this kick about forgiveness. Not just forgiving others, but also forgiving ourselves. I can forgive anyone of virtually anything but when it comes to forgiving myself, I am unrelenting. I punish myself for the smallest mistakes and will tear myself apart. Would I ever say or do those things to someone else? Never! That would be so awful and just hurtful... so why do we treat ourselves any differently?

As you {who read this entirely self-devoted blog} know, I have been on a road to self-awareness and discovery. In taking the time to really work on myself, I have come to realize that we can not beat ourselves up over everything. We cannot change the past, nor can we change things that are done to us by others. What we can do is choose to forgive and learn from what has transpired, using those experiences to make us better people.

Several weeks ago, I was at my friend Hailee's home. While we were talking, she told me about this wonderful book her sister in-law had written. She then handed me a copy and told me that she felt like I could really use it. She had no idea how badly I needed to read this message. The book is called "Christ's Gifts to Women" by Heather B. Moore and Angela Eschler. This book is short, full of beautiful art, and filled with the message of how each of us can be made whole. I have read this book and poured over it multiple times in the past weeks and this one line continually stands out to me, "The future is as bright as your faith." You can apply this in so many ways. For me, I am choosing to apply it to the faith that I have that I will be able to allow myself some of the lenience that I so freely give others. Beating yourself up over not saying or doing the right thing can be exhausting! When I think about the time I have spent making myself feel even worse about things that have happened, it makes me wish I could fit a nap in.

The quote I posted from Dieter F. Uchtdorf may seem misleading, as this is a post about forgiving ourselves. BUT if you read it again and think the things you say to yourself about you, it works. We need to stop it! My sisters and I love to quote movies to each other. I don't know how many times a week one of us will quote Easy A-- "No judgement. All God's children..." Well, am I not one of God's children? Once I started to view myself in a third person sense, I have been able to stop and take a minute to stop myself before I start the self-deprecating tone and words of the past. For the first time, in a long time or maybe ever, I feel an overwhelming sense of confidence. I could say, "Hi I'm Kortni and I'm pretty freaking fabulous!" and actually believe it. My trials and struggles will not define me, but they are most definitely part of who I am. It has taken some time, but I have finally made peace with myself and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Am I a pro at this yet? No...hahahahardly! Moment to moment, I am striving and putting forth the effort to make this second nature.

Emotional Smackdown 2013 #chchchanges

If you've ever seen Elf, which I finally have, the best way to describe how I am feeling right now and what I am about to do can be summed up in one scene. You know when Buddy sees the escalator for the first time? He wants to take it, but is really trepidatious about getting on. He allows others to go ahead, he lets people push him back, he paces, and eventually gets on in the most awkward fashion of all time...but he does it. He rides the escalator, even though he looks ridiculous doing it. I'm about to get awkward and ridiculous.



While lunching with two of my oldest and dearest friends, the conversation turned in a very open and honest direction that I wasn't expecting... And I obviously needed to hear it. Since then, I have mulled over the things we discussed and the points that were made. The conclusion I have come to is simple: I have to make changes immediately! Now I know this all seems very cryptic, so allow me to explain. I once read that when you write something down and tell others, you are more likely to be successful in making a change. To quote one of my besties, I'm gonna be real for a second. So, here goes!

It was brought to my attention that I have a tendency to hold back emotionally. I like for everything to stay very surface-level and paint a pretty picture. I rarely, if ever, let others in on the rougher moments. I thought of how I could shoot this point down, when it dawned on me that they were right. If this had been the first time I had ever heard this, I probably would not be taking this so seriously. However, in the past 10 days, I had been told the same thing by two other very important people in my life. I hope they do not feel that I have discounted their input at all. If either of them had not said something first, I may have pushed this aside and filed it away to be reviewed at a much later date. This is clearly an "aha moment"! I have to be...*gulp*...vulnerable. I have to share my thoughts and feelings-- NOT just the positive and happy ones. I'm making this change now... This is happening! And get ready to hear me start using the word "no" on occasion. You may even see me cry. Like last night. Let's not get crazy here... It's not going to be all the time, just when the moment strikes. It's going to be hard, but so worth it.

Then we discussed that I cannot take a compliment... ever. When complimented, I tend to negate it and turn the compliment back to that person with their words. Or I make a self-deprecating joke about the compliment. In researching some ways to combat this nasty habit, I found that this is pretty common amongst women. By doing this, we may put off the vibe that we don't appreciate or really hear and value the kind, thoughtful words someone is saying. I know this is sooooo not the intention of what I am/we are doing, but it's valid. This is not desirable behavior, by any means, which means I have to correct this... stat! To anyone who may be reading this, please know that I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and the effort you take in paying a compliment. I am so grateful for how amazing and incredible each person in my life is; I am beyond blessed.

The only constant in life is change. Self-improvement and self-awareness are two of the best and biggest changes I could make right now.

I am smack dab in the middle of a major life transition! I celebrated, what was aptly titled by someone I adore more than my shoe collection, my "Best/Worst Day"... my 31st birthday. Don't get me wrong; the Month of Kortni was full of great times with my loves- quality time with family and friends, parties, new boots, presents, etc. It was the best/worst month :) This birthday was actually harder than turning 30 because I had to leave my ward and calling, where I spent the past 4 years with my friends, basically my second family. {For those who may not know, in the LDS church we have young single adult wards (ages 18-30) and mid single adult wards (ages 31-45) aside from the regular family wards.} I also left ADP after 7 fantastic years to get my health back on track and to make a full recovery from the health issues I had been facing. In this short period of time, I have learned so much more about myself and what I have to do to truly be happy with who I am and what I want. I am ready to be a better and more well-rounded person, starting now.

So, there it is. It's not all sunshine, hearts, flowers, and hashtags; it's real and it's my life. I'm up for the challenge and hope if you notice that I'm not doing something that you will call me on it. Seriously! I want and need to make these changes, so don't worry about hurting my feelings. I love you all so much and hope one day I can really convey just how important you are to me! Thank you for your love, support, and friendship. I definitely need it more than you may know.