Forgiveness...is more than saying sorry! #notjustasong

This is not a typical Kortni post y'all... I might get a bit churchy here. Just wanted to give you some fair warning :)

Lately, I have been on this kick about forgiveness. Not just forgiving others, but also forgiving ourselves. I can forgive anyone of virtually anything but when it comes to forgiving myself, I am unrelenting. I punish myself for the smallest mistakes and will tear myself apart. Would I ever say or do those things to someone else? Never! That would be so awful and just hurtful... so why do we treat ourselves any differently?

As you {who read this entirely self-devoted blog} know, I have been on a road to self-awareness and discovery. In taking the time to really work on myself, I have come to realize that we can not beat ourselves up over everything. We cannot change the past, nor can we change things that are done to us by others. What we can do is choose to forgive and learn from what has transpired, using those experiences to make us better people.

Several weeks ago, I was at my friend Hailee's home. While we were talking, she told me about this wonderful book her sister in-law had written. She then handed me a copy and told me that she felt like I could really use it. She had no idea how badly I needed to read this message. The book is called "Christ's Gifts to Women" by Heather B. Moore and Angela Eschler. This book is short, full of beautiful art, and filled with the message of how each of us can be made whole. I have read this book and poured over it multiple times in the past weeks and this one line continually stands out to me, "The future is as bright as your faith." You can apply this in so many ways. For me, I am choosing to apply it to the faith that I have that I will be able to allow myself some of the lenience that I so freely give others. Beating yourself up over not saying or doing the right thing can be exhausting! When I think about the time I have spent making myself feel even worse about things that have happened, it makes me wish I could fit a nap in.

The quote I posted from Dieter F. Uchtdorf may seem misleading, as this is a post about forgiving ourselves. BUT if you read it again and think the things you say to yourself about you, it works. We need to stop it! My sisters and I love to quote movies to each other. I don't know how many times a week one of us will quote Easy A-- "No judgement. All God's children..." Well, am I not one of God's children? Once I started to view myself in a third person sense, I have been able to stop and take a minute to stop myself before I start the self-deprecating tone and words of the past. For the first time, in a long time or maybe ever, I feel an overwhelming sense of confidence. I could say, "Hi I'm Kortni and I'm pretty freaking fabulous!" and actually believe it. My trials and struggles will not define me, but they are most definitely part of who I am. It has taken some time, but I have finally made peace with myself and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Am I a pro at this yet? No...hahahahardly! Moment to moment, I am striving and putting forth the effort to make this second nature.

Bulls Will Charge... #nevertroublefree

As someone who thrives on being in control and keeping busy, things could not seem worse. These past 5 weeks have brought some of the most trying circumstances I have had to face, but through it all I have not felt worried about the outcome nor have I felt alone. I have really learned to rely on my faith that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what I am not alone. 

The week before my health took a nose dive, I stumbled upon a quote from Jeffrey R. Holland's book, For Times of Trouble. It made me think about how many times we think that just because we are good people, doing nice things, doing the right things, etcetera, that bad things shouldn't happen to us.

 

I know, I know, it sounds cliche but it's so true! It doesn't matter how many hours you serve others, or if you are living life to your fullest potential, no one can be exempt from hardship. Sometimes I think I may be going through all of this to learn that I can delegate and that the world will not stop just because I can't do something. Other times, I feel like I could strangle any of the 7 doctors I have now seen... haha ;)  But most of all I am incredibly grateful that my family, friends, and co-workers have offered nothing but continuous support, love, and concern. If I ever feel alone, I can look back on this *chapter {let's hope it's a short one!} in the book of my life and remember how loved I feel. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you have done and do for me. I love you all!!

Because this my blog and anyone who may be reading this knows how I love to take a good selfie... no matter what I look like, feel like, or can later recall taking... I thought I would make you laugh with a few hospital pics of me on morphine :)

*The title of this chapter will be:

My Brief {albeit too long for me} Time Stumbling Along Like Lucille 2
Kudos to those who get this joke!

Obligatory intro... Thyroid-schmyroid #ChubbyGirlSyndrome

This is not my first rodeo, but I may still need some help getting on the horse. I had a blog years ago and I kept it private so I could record my innermost thoughts and feelings; an online journal really. In the past few weeks I have just felt like I needed an outlet to really share who I am with people who may or may not know me, so here goes!
My name is Kortni. I am a little outgoing and slightly sarcastic and occasionally self-deprecating <insert sarcasm here>. I have struggled over the years to be comfortable with who I am; I am a short, chubby girl who has the fashion taste of a lanky model! Someone once asked me how I could like myself when I look like I do... I was slightly offended, natch, but I just looked at this poor girl and said, "Why wouldn't I? I'm amazing and if you don't see then that's your problem!" Did I believe what I said? No, not at all but I couldn't let her see that. Which brings me to the topic I want to discuss: Fake it 'til you make it!
I am all for being real and accepting who you truly are, but if you're not there try faking it for a while. Do you have to fake it forever? I sure hope not! For some people, it can take a few weeks or even months of faking confidence before it becomes a natural attitude. For others *raising my hand* it can take years. For me, it was worth it. I may be curvy/chubby/rotund/plus-sized/fat {that's right, I went there...} but I love myself and know that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Call it cliché, because it is, but it works for me.
In the past eight weeks, I have been able to feel better than I have in years all because of one doctor and her persistence. Being someone who is active and has energy, but cannot lose weight or keep weight off can be damaging, even soul-crushing. Having a doctor tell you that she actually knows why things in the past haven't worked can be life altering. I have been diagnosed with a thyroid issue in my reverse T-3 and my T-3; the hormone cells are irregularly shaped which causes my body to not produce the correct cells. This is coupled with my body's need of being an overachiever in the insulin department, producing 3 1/2 times the amount one person should have. By taking 5 pills a day I have been able to get past the first major hurdle: getting into a regular size! Do I worry about gaining weight back? Only every second of every day. Do I feel better? Yes- internally, physically, emotionally, vainly... yes :) Am I close to my real goal? Not yet, but I am on my way!
If you've read this far, I want to thank you for sticking it out. Other posts are soon to follow, so if you want to, keep checking out my blog!

Left: the day I started my medications in Laguna Beach
Right: My first "regular size" outfit {thanks Old Navy!}

Left: The week before I started my medications
Right: The first pic I could see a difference... 7 weeks later