Poetry... Not just for poets! #gettingchurchy

Sorry if My posts have seemed too churchy/preachy lately! I've had a lot of time to reflect on some of the things that happened in my life last year. When I'm processing things, I tend to write. These are two poems that I feel ready to share.

Savior for Me

Deafening silence in chaotic noise,

Missing savored moments of peace and joy.

Heart breaking, soul crushing, feeling all alone.

Wishing I could run, feeling weighed down by stones.

Searching for peace, comfort, and light,

Knowing I have to move forward and fight.

Fight for forgiveness and fight to forgive

Without it, I don't know how to live

Savior of man, Savior for me

Always my rescuer and brother will you be

Wrap me in your loving arms

Keep me safe from further harm

Grant me solace, calm my fears

Make me safe and dry my tears 

I cast on thee my burdens and cares

And unto you my soul I will bare

Your loving grace makes my heart full

Through thy atoning sacrifice I am made whole

I bow my head and close my eyes

With gratitude and light, once again I may rise

Forever changed, a stronger fighter

My burdens will be eternally lighter

Savior, Redeemer, Brother, Friend

Thy love and forgiveness have no end. 

The Light

The light was gone; I didn't know where it went,

I felt so lost and began searching for something Heaven-sent.

I turned to you for guidance and understanding,

You led me to a place of warmth for safe landing.

Through the ups and downs, the laughter and tears,

You made me realize and overcome my fears.

In my lowest of lows, you made me see,

That the light could always shine for me.

The light of joy, of hope, of grace, of love,

Full of forgiveness and peace from above.

May I always walk the path with my head held high,

Remembering that the light may dim, but will never die.

Your support and faith guided me home,

I now know and truly believe that I am never alone.

Forgiveness...is more than saying sorry! #notjustasong

This is not a typical Kortni post y'all... I might get a bit churchy here. Just wanted to give you some fair warning :)

Lately, I have been on this kick about forgiveness. Not just forgiving others, but also forgiving ourselves. I can forgive anyone of virtually anything but when it comes to forgiving myself, I am unrelenting. I punish myself for the smallest mistakes and will tear myself apart. Would I ever say or do those things to someone else? Never! That would be so awful and just hurtful... so why do we treat ourselves any differently?

As you {who read this entirely self-devoted blog} know, I have been on a road to self-awareness and discovery. In taking the time to really work on myself, I have come to realize that we can not beat ourselves up over everything. We cannot change the past, nor can we change things that are done to us by others. What we can do is choose to forgive and learn from what has transpired, using those experiences to make us better people.

Several weeks ago, I was at my friend Hailee's home. While we were talking, she told me about this wonderful book her sister in-law had written. She then handed me a copy and told me that she felt like I could really use it. She had no idea how badly I needed to read this message. The book is called "Christ's Gifts to Women" by Heather B. Moore and Angela Eschler. This book is short, full of beautiful art, and filled with the message of how each of us can be made whole. I have read this book and poured over it multiple times in the past weeks and this one line continually stands out to me, "The future is as bright as your faith." You can apply this in so many ways. For me, I am choosing to apply it to the faith that I have that I will be able to allow myself some of the lenience that I so freely give others. Beating yourself up over not saying or doing the right thing can be exhausting! When I think about the time I have spent making myself feel even worse about things that have happened, it makes me wish I could fit a nap in.

The quote I posted from Dieter F. Uchtdorf may seem misleading, as this is a post about forgiving ourselves. BUT if you read it again and think the things you say to yourself about you, it works. We need to stop it! My sisters and I love to quote movies to each other. I don't know how many times a week one of us will quote Easy A-- "No judgement. All God's children..." Well, am I not one of God's children? Once I started to view myself in a third person sense, I have been able to stop and take a minute to stop myself before I start the self-deprecating tone and words of the past. For the first time, in a long time or maybe ever, I feel an overwhelming sense of confidence. I could say, "Hi I'm Kortni and I'm pretty freaking fabulous!" and actually believe it. My trials and struggles will not define me, but they are most definitely part of who I am. It has taken some time, but I have finally made peace with myself and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Am I a pro at this yet? No...hahahahardly! Moment to moment, I am striving and putting forth the effort to make this second nature.

Assessment Time! yay... #continuedchchchanges

In the past few weeks, I have tried each day to implement the changes in my life that will help me on my path to self-discovery. Most times I feel successful at the end of the day. I have shared my feelings {even when it was hard or not in agreement with others}, am learning to accept a compliment, but mostly I have tried to be more vulnerable and open. Several days ago, one of my dearest friends told me something that I appreciate more than she could ever know; she said that she may have referred to me as "the realest fake person" she knows and that she has waited for others to know the real me for quite some time. Not going to lie, that stung for about 2.3 seconds... then when I read the message again, I agreed immediately. There are not very many people who truly know me; you know versions of me, but not the 100% real Kortni. It's not that I put on a front, it's that I do not like to share anything that isn't great or wonderful. I have shared the same few trying or hard times with people, but those are the only examples/stories they have ever heard. Aside from those few times, I have maintained a presence that my life is always wonderful and that I have it all together... hahahardly! In learning to love myself for who I really am, I have to allow others in...it's about freaking time!

In preparing this post, I really thought about one thing I wanted to share that  few people really know about me. Here goes... My self-esteem was virtually nonexistent until about 5 years ago. The phrase "fake it 'til you make it" was my mantra. Growing up, I was the fat girl. I was constantly teased and talked about but acted like I never heard any of it. That worked for a really long time, or so I thought. In my late teens and early-mid twenties, I found out just how much of that didn't work. I would do just about anything to please people and fit in, even if it meant lowering my personal standards. I would do things I really didn't want to because it was easier to go along with it than to cause an argument. You could say that I was kind of a "Yes Girl"... or that I was most definitely a "Yes Girl". In doing this, I had pushed aside and hid any and all feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc. that could be seen as negative, inferior, or "not ladylike" {Mom-- I will always try to be as ladylike as possible!}. That's the change I'm working on now. 

Going forward, I promise to just be the real me. To those who have asked me to do some things, here you go! I promise I will start to give myself a little credit. I promise to retire my fake voice... Yes, I said it. My fake voice. I promise I really will make myself a top priority.I promise that I will show other emotions, not just the positive ones. I promise that when I get upset/mad/irritated, I will let you know instead of shutting down.

And to me: "Once you learn to love yourself, you can love someone else." I promise to quit being so damn hard on myself. I'm only human, and it's okay to not be perfect.

Emotional Smackdown 2013 #chchchanges

If you've ever seen Elf, which I finally have, the best way to describe how I am feeling right now and what I am about to do can be summed up in one scene. You know when Buddy sees the escalator for the first time? He wants to take it, but is really trepidatious about getting on. He allows others to go ahead, he lets people push him back, he paces, and eventually gets on in the most awkward fashion of all time...but he does it. He rides the escalator, even though he looks ridiculous doing it. I'm about to get awkward and ridiculous.



While lunching with two of my oldest and dearest friends, the conversation turned in a very open and honest direction that I wasn't expecting... And I obviously needed to hear it. Since then, I have mulled over the things we discussed and the points that were made. The conclusion I have come to is simple: I have to make changes immediately! Now I know this all seems very cryptic, so allow me to explain. I once read that when you write something down and tell others, you are more likely to be successful in making a change. To quote one of my besties, I'm gonna be real for a second. So, here goes!

It was brought to my attention that I have a tendency to hold back emotionally. I like for everything to stay very surface-level and paint a pretty picture. I rarely, if ever, let others in on the rougher moments. I thought of how I could shoot this point down, when it dawned on me that they were right. If this had been the first time I had ever heard this, I probably would not be taking this so seriously. However, in the past 10 days, I had been told the same thing by two other very important people in my life. I hope they do not feel that I have discounted their input at all. If either of them had not said something first, I may have pushed this aside and filed it away to be reviewed at a much later date. This is clearly an "aha moment"! I have to be...*gulp*...vulnerable. I have to share my thoughts and feelings-- NOT just the positive and happy ones. I'm making this change now... This is happening! And get ready to hear me start using the word "no" on occasion. You may even see me cry. Like last night. Let's not get crazy here... It's not going to be all the time, just when the moment strikes. It's going to be hard, but so worth it.

Then we discussed that I cannot take a compliment... ever. When complimented, I tend to negate it and turn the compliment back to that person with their words. Or I make a self-deprecating joke about the compliment. In researching some ways to combat this nasty habit, I found that this is pretty common amongst women. By doing this, we may put off the vibe that we don't appreciate or really hear and value the kind, thoughtful words someone is saying. I know this is sooooo not the intention of what I am/we are doing, but it's valid. This is not desirable behavior, by any means, which means I have to correct this... stat! To anyone who may be reading this, please know that I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and the effort you take in paying a compliment. I am so grateful for how amazing and incredible each person in my life is; I am beyond blessed.

The only constant in life is change. Self-improvement and self-awareness are two of the best and biggest changes I could make right now.

I am smack dab in the middle of a major life transition! I celebrated, what was aptly titled by someone I adore more than my shoe collection, my "Best/Worst Day"... my 31st birthday. Don't get me wrong; the Month of Kortni was full of great times with my loves- quality time with family and friends, parties, new boots, presents, etc. It was the best/worst month :) This birthday was actually harder than turning 30 because I had to leave my ward and calling, where I spent the past 4 years with my friends, basically my second family. {For those who may not know, in the LDS church we have young single adult wards (ages 18-30) and mid single adult wards (ages 31-45) aside from the regular family wards.} I also left ADP after 7 fantastic years to get my health back on track and to make a full recovery from the health issues I had been facing. In this short period of time, I have learned so much more about myself and what I have to do to truly be happy with who I am and what I want. I am ready to be a better and more well-rounded person, starting now.

So, there it is. It's not all sunshine, hearts, flowers, and hashtags; it's real and it's my life. I'm up for the challenge and hope if you notice that I'm not doing something that you will call me on it. Seriously! I want and need to make these changes, so don't worry about hurting my feelings. I love you all so much and hope one day I can really convey just how important you are to me! Thank you for your love, support, and friendship. I definitely need it more than you may know.

A love letter... #gratitude

Usually when someone writes a love letter it's full of romantic notions, fabulous memories, and descriptions of eyes/lips/hearts, and the like. This is a different kind of love letter... probably as equally cheesy as the aforementioned but a bit unorthodox. This love letter is dedicated to my family and friends.

I am sooooooo grateful for the continuous love, support, kindness, friendship, and warmth shown to me. It is overwhelming! You have really bent over backwards to ensure that I feel loved and it's incredible. The cards, phone calls, texts, emails, FaceTimes, visits, flowers, treats, etc. have truly lifted my spirits. Through these challenges I have faced, I have never once been left wanting. I have had someone with me every step of the way. The comfort I have felt is insurmountable. I do not think I can ever repay you all for your kindness, but I will pay it forward! I want to thank you all for not punching me when I've been whiny or needy. You have loved me and made me feel comforted and important. Thank you for loving me, especially when I'm sure it wasn't easy! I hope that if any of you ever need someone that I can be there for you. These words hardly seem like enough, but I hope they have conveyed just how grateful I am. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful!! I love you all more than I love shoes... #Bible. 

With love and adoration,

Kortni xoxo