Assessment Time! yay... #continuedchchchanges

In the past few weeks, I have tried each day to implement the changes in my life that will help me on my path to self-discovery. Most times I feel successful at the end of the day. I have shared my feelings {even when it was hard or not in agreement with others}, am learning to accept a compliment, but mostly I have tried to be more vulnerable and open. Several days ago, one of my dearest friends told me something that I appreciate more than she could ever know; she said that she may have referred to me as "the realest fake person" she knows and that she has waited for others to know the real me for quite some time. Not going to lie, that stung for about 2.3 seconds... then when I read the message again, I agreed immediately. There are not very many people who truly know me; you know versions of me, but not the 100% real Kortni. It's not that I put on a front, it's that I do not like to share anything that isn't great or wonderful. I have shared the same few trying or hard times with people, but those are the only examples/stories they have ever heard. Aside from those few times, I have maintained a presence that my life is always wonderful and that I have it all together... hahahardly! In learning to love myself for who I really am, I have to allow others in...it's about freaking time!

In preparing this post, I really thought about one thing I wanted to share that  few people really know about me. Here goes... My self-esteem was virtually nonexistent until about 5 years ago. The phrase "fake it 'til you make it" was my mantra. Growing up, I was the fat girl. I was constantly teased and talked about but acted like I never heard any of it. That worked for a really long time, or so I thought. In my late teens and early-mid twenties, I found out just how much of that didn't work. I would do just about anything to please people and fit in, even if it meant lowering my personal standards. I would do things I really didn't want to because it was easier to go along with it than to cause an argument. You could say that I was kind of a "Yes Girl"... or that I was most definitely a "Yes Girl". In doing this, I had pushed aside and hid any and all feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc. that could be seen as negative, inferior, or "not ladylike" {Mom-- I will always try to be as ladylike as possible!}. That's the change I'm working on now. 

Going forward, I promise to just be the real me. To those who have asked me to do some things, here you go! I promise I will start to give myself a little credit. I promise to retire my fake voice... Yes, I said it. My fake voice. I promise I really will make myself a top priority.I promise that I will show other emotions, not just the positive ones. I promise that when I get upset/mad/irritated, I will let you know instead of shutting down.

And to me: "Once you learn to love yourself, you can love someone else." I promise to quit being so damn hard on myself. I'm only human, and it's okay to not be perfect.

Emotional Smackdown 2013 #chchchanges

If you've ever seen Elf, which I finally have, the best way to describe how I am feeling right now and what I am about to do can be summed up in one scene. You know when Buddy sees the escalator for the first time? He wants to take it, but is really trepidatious about getting on. He allows others to go ahead, he lets people push him back, he paces, and eventually gets on in the most awkward fashion of all time...but he does it. He rides the escalator, even though he looks ridiculous doing it. I'm about to get awkward and ridiculous.



While lunching with two of my oldest and dearest friends, the conversation turned in a very open and honest direction that I wasn't expecting... And I obviously needed to hear it. Since then, I have mulled over the things we discussed and the points that were made. The conclusion I have come to is simple: I have to make changes immediately! Now I know this all seems very cryptic, so allow me to explain. I once read that when you write something down and tell others, you are more likely to be successful in making a change. To quote one of my besties, I'm gonna be real for a second. So, here goes!

It was brought to my attention that I have a tendency to hold back emotionally. I like for everything to stay very surface-level and paint a pretty picture. I rarely, if ever, let others in on the rougher moments. I thought of how I could shoot this point down, when it dawned on me that they were right. If this had been the first time I had ever heard this, I probably would not be taking this so seriously. However, in the past 10 days, I had been told the same thing by two other very important people in my life. I hope they do not feel that I have discounted their input at all. If either of them had not said something first, I may have pushed this aside and filed it away to be reviewed at a much later date. This is clearly an "aha moment"! I have to be...*gulp*...vulnerable. I have to share my thoughts and feelings-- NOT just the positive and happy ones. I'm making this change now... This is happening! And get ready to hear me start using the word "no" on occasion. You may even see me cry. Like last night. Let's not get crazy here... It's not going to be all the time, just when the moment strikes. It's going to be hard, but so worth it.

Then we discussed that I cannot take a compliment... ever. When complimented, I tend to negate it and turn the compliment back to that person with their words. Or I make a self-deprecating joke about the compliment. In researching some ways to combat this nasty habit, I found that this is pretty common amongst women. By doing this, we may put off the vibe that we don't appreciate or really hear and value the kind, thoughtful words someone is saying. I know this is sooooo not the intention of what I am/we are doing, but it's valid. This is not desirable behavior, by any means, which means I have to correct this... stat! To anyone who may be reading this, please know that I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and the effort you take in paying a compliment. I am so grateful for how amazing and incredible each person in my life is; I am beyond blessed.

The only constant in life is change. Self-improvement and self-awareness are two of the best and biggest changes I could make right now.

I am smack dab in the middle of a major life transition! I celebrated, what was aptly titled by someone I adore more than my shoe collection, my "Best/Worst Day"... my 31st birthday. Don't get me wrong; the Month of Kortni was full of great times with my loves- quality time with family and friends, parties, new boots, presents, etc. It was the best/worst month :) This birthday was actually harder than turning 30 because I had to leave my ward and calling, where I spent the past 4 years with my friends, basically my second family. {For those who may not know, in the LDS church we have young single adult wards (ages 18-30) and mid single adult wards (ages 31-45) aside from the regular family wards.} I also left ADP after 7 fantastic years to get my health back on track and to make a full recovery from the health issues I had been facing. In this short period of time, I have learned so much more about myself and what I have to do to truly be happy with who I am and what I want. I am ready to be a better and more well-rounded person, starting now.

So, there it is. It's not all sunshine, hearts, flowers, and hashtags; it's real and it's my life. I'm up for the challenge and hope if you notice that I'm not doing something that you will call me on it. Seriously! I want and need to make these changes, so don't worry about hurting my feelings. I love you all so much and hope one day I can really convey just how important you are to me! Thank you for your love, support, and friendship. I definitely need it more than you may know.

A love letter... #gratitude

Usually when someone writes a love letter it's full of romantic notions, fabulous memories, and descriptions of eyes/lips/hearts, and the like. This is a different kind of love letter... probably as equally cheesy as the aforementioned but a bit unorthodox. This love letter is dedicated to my family and friends.

I am sooooooo grateful for the continuous love, support, kindness, friendship, and warmth shown to me. It is overwhelming! You have really bent over backwards to ensure that I feel loved and it's incredible. The cards, phone calls, texts, emails, FaceTimes, visits, flowers, treats, etc. have truly lifted my spirits. Through these challenges I have faced, I have never once been left wanting. I have had someone with me every step of the way. The comfort I have felt is insurmountable. I do not think I can ever repay you all for your kindness, but I will pay it forward! I want to thank you all for not punching me when I've been whiny or needy. You have loved me and made me feel comforted and important. Thank you for loving me, especially when I'm sure it wasn't easy! I hope that if any of you ever need someone that I can be there for you. These words hardly seem like enough, but I hope they have conveyed just how grateful I am. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful!! I love you all more than I love shoes... #Bible. 

With love and adoration,

Kortni xoxo

Bulls Will Charge... #nevertroublefree

As someone who thrives on being in control and keeping busy, things could not seem worse. These past 5 weeks have brought some of the most trying circumstances I have had to face, but through it all I have not felt worried about the outcome nor have I felt alone. I have really learned to rely on my faith that everything happens for a reason and that no matter what I am not alone. 

The week before my health took a nose dive, I stumbled upon a quote from Jeffrey R. Holland's book, For Times of Trouble. It made me think about how many times we think that just because we are good people, doing nice things, doing the right things, etcetera, that bad things shouldn't happen to us.

 

I know, I know, it sounds cliche but it's so true! It doesn't matter how many hours you serve others, or if you are living life to your fullest potential, no one can be exempt from hardship. Sometimes I think I may be going through all of this to learn that I can delegate and that the world will not stop just because I can't do something. Other times, I feel like I could strangle any of the 7 doctors I have now seen... haha ;)  But most of all I am incredibly grateful that my family, friends, and co-workers have offered nothing but continuous support, love, and concern. If I ever feel alone, I can look back on this *chapter {let's hope it's a short one!} in the book of my life and remember how loved I feel. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you have done and do for me. I love you all!!

Because this my blog and anyone who may be reading this knows how I love to take a good selfie... no matter what I look like, feel like, or can later recall taking... I thought I would make you laugh with a few hospital pics of me on morphine :)

*The title of this chapter will be:

My Brief {albeit too long for me} Time Stumbling Along Like Lucille 2
Kudos to those who get this joke!

Obligatory intro... Thyroid-schmyroid #ChubbyGirlSyndrome

This is not my first rodeo, but I may still need some help getting on the horse. I had a blog years ago and I kept it private so I could record my innermost thoughts and feelings; an online journal really. In the past few weeks I have just felt like I needed an outlet to really share who I am with people who may or may not know me, so here goes!
My name is Kortni. I am a little outgoing and slightly sarcastic and occasionally self-deprecating <insert sarcasm here>. I have struggled over the years to be comfortable with who I am; I am a short, chubby girl who has the fashion taste of a lanky model! Someone once asked me how I could like myself when I look like I do... I was slightly offended, natch, but I just looked at this poor girl and said, "Why wouldn't I? I'm amazing and if you don't see then that's your problem!" Did I believe what I said? No, not at all but I couldn't let her see that. Which brings me to the topic I want to discuss: Fake it 'til you make it!
I am all for being real and accepting who you truly are, but if you're not there try faking it for a while. Do you have to fake it forever? I sure hope not! For some people, it can take a few weeks or even months of faking confidence before it becomes a natural attitude. For others *raising my hand* it can take years. For me, it was worth it. I may be curvy/chubby/rotund/plus-sized/fat {that's right, I went there...} but I love myself and know that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Call it cliché, because it is, but it works for me.
In the past eight weeks, I have been able to feel better than I have in years all because of one doctor and her persistence. Being someone who is active and has energy, but cannot lose weight or keep weight off can be damaging, even soul-crushing. Having a doctor tell you that she actually knows why things in the past haven't worked can be life altering. I have been diagnosed with a thyroid issue in my reverse T-3 and my T-3; the hormone cells are irregularly shaped which causes my body to not produce the correct cells. This is coupled with my body's need of being an overachiever in the insulin department, producing 3 1/2 times the amount one person should have. By taking 5 pills a day I have been able to get past the first major hurdle: getting into a regular size! Do I worry about gaining weight back? Only every second of every day. Do I feel better? Yes- internally, physically, emotionally, vainly... yes :) Am I close to my real goal? Not yet, but I am on my way!
If you've read this far, I want to thank you for sticking it out. Other posts are soon to follow, so if you want to, keep checking out my blog!

Left: the day I started my medications in Laguna Beach
Right: My first "regular size" outfit {thanks Old Navy!}

Left: The week before I started my medications
Right: The first pic I could see a difference... 7 weeks later