Onto the next... #Change meets #MyScaryAge

It's been a while since I have taken the time to put myself out there... call it what you will, I'll just refer to it as "a break" {insert Ross Gellar's voice here}. These past 18 months have been, for lack of a better word, interesting. I've been fortunate to have some fabulous, and at times, hilariously ridiculous times. All of which have brought my team so much laughter, that they are keeping a running list lol. I promise to start sharing some of these moments this year. Through it all, change has been the only constant.

18 months ago, I moved out of Draper. Honestly, I didn't foresee leaving Draper anytime for anywhere that wasn't New York City... yet I'm in Cottonwood Heights, living with my sister Coco. Aaaannnddd I actually quite love our condo and little community. We've grown to be a tight-knit crew here, as we were hit with a flood 15+ weeks ago and construction is finally underway. These neighbors are pretty awesome; we have each other's backs. 

14 months ago, my role at work changed for the better. A different kind of stress, less clients but more impact. Also, a new team and new dynamics. It wasn't the easiest at first, but now we have our little quirks figured out. Honestly, our crew is pretty much the reason I love my job. Moving to a new channel added new challenges... a lot of travel and a lot of learning to depend on others. Valuable life lesson-- you really don't have to do it alone; it's okay to need help. This lesson is a work in progress. 

10 months ago is when I truly began to learn the lesson of letting go of control. My hands and arms were always sore with shooting pains, electrically tingly, all while going numb. I met with my doctor, who, after running through some tests, referred me to a hand and extremities specialist. My appointment with the specialist was, well, special lol. On a Thursday afternoon, I met Dr. Williams. He talked to both my sister and me about some of the exercises and tests he was going to run. Into the third of what felt like a bajillion tests, it was evident that he was concerned. When the tests were completed, he started typing quite quickly and said, "So, Tuesday should be good." I was kind of confused, looked at my phone and said, "Well, ummm, I have a few meetings on Tuesday. What time do I need to be seen again?" To which he quickly corrected me... "It wasn't a question. You are having surgery Tuesday morning at 7:45 am." He explained that I was already at risk of losing all function of my right hand due to both carpal and cubital tunnel syndromes. The nerve issues I had been experiencing were rapidly causing the blood supply to my fingers to slow. My hand was atrophying quickly. He then moved on to discuss my left hand, which was experiencing the same issues at a slower rate. Sparing you a lot of detail and more horrific nerve tests, I had two surgeries in a 4 week period. If it weren't for my family taking care of me, my BFF Laura dressing and redressing all of my wounds, and my work family backing me up DURING open enrollmentšŸ˜³, I don't know that I could have been able to get through it. Sure, it made 4th Quarter/OE, Thanksgiving, and Christmas a bit challenging, but we pulled through! I couldn't be more grateful. My hands and arms are about 85-90% back, which isn't too shabby. Onward and upward. 

You may be wondering what these three events have to do with the title of this post... well, here's where it all ties in. Change can be a catalyst. It forces us to make decisions that we may not have thought we were ready for. We may even have to scrap our plans and create a new one. All of this makes my anxiety spike and reminds me of how grateful I am for modern medicine... #blessyouPaxilandXanax

Next month is supposed to be my favorite month: Month of Kortni! However, I am stressing about reaching the milestone of my {duh-duh-duuuuhhhhnnnn} "scary age". We all have one, that age in mind where you should have your world figured out. That age when you shouldn't care about what others say/think/feel about you. That magical age where *poof* things should already be in place or be ready to fall into place. Well, honestly I am feeling ill-prepared to hit this one. 16 year old me was full of dreams, plans, and such surety that they would all fall into place. Awww, isn't she adorable and naivešŸ¤£? Bless her heart. 

I've been 29 for six years... Can't I stay 29 forever? I don't know that I'm ready to move on to *gulp* 35. This is an age that brings MAJOR choices and maybe even drastic change. I have to make life decisions about things I can't even bring myself to think out loud. Being single at, well um, 35 {woooaaahhh.} was not part of my plans. Not even version 3,689,341 of the ever-changing life plan was this a blip on the radar. However, I've learned {and am continually learning} that it's okay for plans to change. Life plans should be a living document, not something we write in Sharpie and seal in a laminator. Some parts need to be be written in pencil, other parts in fun colored pen. And the BIG things {like love your family, be a good person, take care of your fellow man, don't be a tool, say please and thank you, take your shopping cart back to the corral, etc} can stay in bold, black Sharpie. 

This is going to be an emotional adventure... I better get Dr. Robinson to be on standby lol. The key word is adventure. Let's shoot for a great one! #ImLookingAtYou35


Just a little perspective... #twothings

Coco Chanel knew a thing or two...
Sometimes it takes a rough day to put things in perspective. It is so easy to allow our insecurities to rule us! Think of all the times you have wanted to do or say something, but didn't follow through. Where would we be if we were able to accomplish the small stuff? How many life changing experiences have we missed out on because of our doubts? Over the past few months, this Coco quote has really hit home.
My friend Scott talked me into making myself believe that 2015 is the year that we become the best version of ourselves-- #OURYEAR! Between his prodding and knowing what I want and who I want to be, the changes have just kept on rolling.
This week, I started a new job with a new company. The opportunity came at an unexpected moment and was truly an answer to a silent prayer. I feel like I am where I am supposed to be at this moment of my life.
At the end of the year, I decided to truly put myself back in the dating world. It hasn't been easy! There have been some great experiences and some downright weird ones...oy gevalt! (If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crrraaabbb) That being said, I think I'm headed down the right path. I just have to get out of my own way and start tearing down the walls that my insecurities have built. Maybe one day I will get this all figured out... Until then, I will do what I do best-- put on a smile, my best heeled foot forward, and fake it 'til I make it ;)


A Year of Firsts... #anotheryeardown

On the last day of being 31 and reflecting on the past year, I've realized that 31 was full of firsts-- some good, some bad, super high and mega low. Either way, I wouldn't change the lessons I have learned. This is the year that taught me that it's okay to put yourself first once in a while. I went to Disneyland for the first time and found out that my irrational fear of rides and people dressed as animals were just that, irrational! Starting at a new company, being the new girl... not something I am very used to. This year, I came to terms with my anxiety. I learned that you can't always do things on your own and it's okay to ask for, accept, and receive help. The biggest lesson I learned is what inspired this post...

On my drive home from work today, one of my besties from college and I had some time to talk about what we have both have learned from our trials. For years we had both felt that when you reach a certain age or a point in your career, you should feel comfortable in where you are. After the ups and downs that we have both faced, we came to the same conclusion: I don't want to ever be so comfortable that I accept things just as they are. I want to always be reaching for a new goal. Adversity is what makes you stronger and hungrier for more. Complacency is the enemy. The new plan: every time I reach a goal, I will add a new one to the list!

Since last year was full of firsts, I'm looking at 32 as a year for second chances and second beginnings. So long 31! Thank you to my family and friends for your unconditional love and support throughout my life, but most importantly this past year. I know it hasn't been easy, but you all made it feel effortless when I needed you most. You are the heart of my life's story. Thank you!! xoxo


Silver linings... #gethappy

**Hopping up on my soapbox** 

It's been a few months, so I decided that it's time to write a post. Last week I was talking with one of my favorite people on God's green earth about how we have so much to be grateful for. I'm not going to lie-- life isn't  perfect and it's not always easy to find the silver lining, but isn't it so much better when we choose to be happy?! The past 14 months have been full of life altering events and choices; I haven't always been able to see the good. There have been days where I have had to force myself to find a positive thing, but I did it! I kept repeating every day that I could choose to be happy or choose to be mad/sad/annoyed/a wallowing mess, and I chose happiness. A friend took my mantra one step further and told me that I get to be happy. How great is that?! I GET to be happy. So I decided to take this another step further...

Several months ago, my sister Hayley took the 100 Happy Days challenge. She told me about it while she was staying with me when a very dear friend of ours passed away. Even though she was in the middle of this shocking and sad event, she had to find something that made her happy every day. That weekend we created moments of laughter and happiness amidst our tears and sorrow. She told me that the challenge was something I should consider taking. Since then, she and other friends on Instagram have taken and completed the challenge. I have loved seeing the pictures of what one finds happiness in! Sooooo Hayley.... Challenge accepted! 

Today I posted my first #100happydays photo, so only 99 to go :) If you are looking for something to help you find the good things in your life, take the challenge! Every day you can push yourself to find at least one thing that makes you happy. Being grateful for the smallest thing can really change your outlook. 

**Stumbling off my soap box** 

I love you all and hope you get to be happy!


Poetry... Not just for poets! #gettingchurchy

Sorry if My posts have seemed too churchy/preachy lately! I've had a lot of time to reflect on some of the things that happened in my life last year. When I'm processing things, I tend to write. These are two poems that I feel ready to share.

Savior for Me
Deafening silence in chaotic noise,
Missing savored moments of peace and joy.
Heart breaking, soul crushing, feeling all alone.
Wishing I could run, feeling weighed down by stones.
Searching for peace, comfort, and light,
Knowing I have to move forward and fight.
Fight for forgiveness and fight to forgive
Without it, I don't know how to live
Savior of man, Savior for me
Always my rescuer and brother will you be
Wrap me in your loving arms
Keep me safe from further harm
Grant me solace, calm my fears
Make me safe and dry my tears 
I cast on thee my burdens and cares
And unto you my soul I will bare
Your loving grace makes my heart full
Through thy atoning sacrifice I am made whole
I bow my head and close my eyes
With gratitude and light, once again I may rise
Forever changed, a stronger fighter
My burdens will be eternally lighter
Savior, Redeemer, Brother, Friend
Thy love and forgiveness have no end. 

The Light
The light was gone; I didn't know where it went,
I felt so lost and began searching for something Heaven-sent.
I turned to you for guidance and understanding,
You led me to a place of warmth for safe landing.
Through the ups and downs, the laughter and tears,
You made me realize and overcome my fears.
In my lowest of lows, you made me see,
That the light could always shine for me.
The light of joy, of hope, of grace, of love,
Full of forgiveness and peace from above.
May I always walk the path with my head held high,
Remembering that the light may dim, but will never die.
Your support and faith guided me home,
I now know and truly believe that I am never alone.