Poetry... Not just for poets! #gettingchurchy

Sorry if My posts have seemed too churchy/preachy lately! I've had a lot of time to reflect on some of the things that happened in my life last year. When I'm processing things, I tend to write. These are two poems that I feel ready to share.

Savior for Me
Deafening silence in chaotic noise,
Missing savored moments of peace and joy.
Heart breaking, soul crushing, feeling all alone.
Wishing I could run, feeling weighed down by stones.
Searching for peace, comfort, and light,
Knowing I have to move forward and fight.
Fight for forgiveness and fight to forgive
Without it, I don't know how to live
Savior of man, Savior for me
Always my rescuer and brother will you be
Wrap me in your loving arms
Keep me safe from further harm
Grant me solace, calm my fears
Make me safe and dry my tears 
I cast on thee my burdens and cares
And unto you my soul I will bare
Your loving grace makes my heart full
Through thy atoning sacrifice I am made whole
I bow my head and close my eyes
With gratitude and light, once again I may rise
Forever changed, a stronger fighter
My burdens will be eternally lighter
Savior, Redeemer, Brother, Friend
Thy love and forgiveness have no end. 

The Light
The light was gone; I didn't know where it went,
I felt so lost and began searching for something Heaven-sent.
I turned to you for guidance and understanding,
You led me to a place of warmth for safe landing.
Through the ups and downs, the laughter and tears,
You made me realize and overcome my fears.
In my lowest of lows, you made me see,
That the light could always shine for me.
The light of joy, of hope, of grace, of love,
Full of forgiveness and peace from above.
May I always walk the path with my head held high,
Remembering that the light may dim, but will never die.
Your support and faith guided me home,
I now know and truly believe that I am never alone.


Forgiveness...is more than saying sorry! #notjustasong

This is not a typical Kortni post y'all... I might get a bit churchy here. Just wanted to give you some fair warning :)

Lately, I have been on this kick about forgiveness. Not just forgiving others, but also forgiving ourselves. I can forgive anyone of virtually anything but when it comes to forgiving myself, I am unrelenting. I punish myself for the smallest mistakes and will tear myself apart. Would I ever say or do those things to someone else? Never! That would be so awful and just hurtful... so why do we treat ourselves any differently?

As you {who read this entirely self-devoted blog} know, I have been on a road to self-awareness and discovery. In taking the time to really work on myself, I have come to realize that we can not beat ourselves up over everything. We cannot change the past, nor can we change things that are done to us by others. What we can do is choose to forgive and learn from what has transpired, using those experiences to make us better people.

Several weeks ago, I was at my friend Hailee's home. While we were talking, she told me about this wonderful book her sister in-law had written. She then handed me a copy and told me that she felt like I could really use it. She had no idea how badly I needed to read this message. The book is called "Christ's Gifts to Women" by Heather B. Moore and Angela Eschler. This book is short, full of beautiful art, and filled with the message of how each of us can be made whole. I have read this book and poured over it multiple times in the past weeks and this one line continually stands out to me, "The future is as bright as your faith." You can apply this in so many ways. For me, I am choosing to apply it to the faith that I have that I will be able to allow myself some of the lenience that I so freely give others. Beating yourself up over not saying or doing the right thing can be exhausting! When I think about the time I have spent making myself feel even worse about things that have happened, it makes me wish I could fit a nap in.

The quote I posted from Dieter F. Uchtdorf may seem misleading, as this is a post about forgiving ourselves. BUT if you read it again and think the things you say to yourself about you, it works. We need to stop it! My sisters and I love to quote movies to each other. I don't know how many times a week one of us will quote Easy A-- "No judgement. All God's children..." Well, am I not one of God's children? Once I started to view myself in a third person sense, I have been able to stop and take a minute to stop myself before I start the self-deprecating tone and words of the past. For the first time, in a long time or maybe ever, I feel an overwhelming sense of confidence. I could say, "Hi I'm Kortni and I'm pretty freaking fabulous!" and actually believe it. My trials and struggles will not define me, but they are most definitely part of who I am. It has taken some time, but I have finally made peace with myself and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Am I a pro at this yet? No...hahahahardly! Moment to moment, I am striving and putting forth the effort to make this second nature.