In the past few weeks, I have tried each day to implement the changes in my life that will help me on my path to self-discovery. Most times I feel successful at the end of the day. I have shared my feelings {even when it was hard or not in agreement with others}, am learning to accept a compliment, but mostly I have tried to be more vulnerable and open. Several days ago, one of my dearest friends told me something that I appreciate more than she could ever know; she said that she may have referred to me as "the realest fake person" she knows and that she has waited for others to know the real me for quite some time. Not going to lie, that stung for about 2.3 seconds... then when I read the message again, I agreed immediately. There are not very many people who truly know me; you know versions of me, but not the 100% real Kortni. It's not that I put on a front, it's that I do not like to share anything that isn't great or wonderful. I have shared the same few trying or hard times with people, but those are the only examples/stories they have ever heard. Aside from those few times, I have maintained a presence that my life is always wonderful and that I have it all together... hahahardly! In learning to love myself for who I really am, I have to allow others in...it's about freaking time!
In preparing this post, I really thought about one thing I wanted to share that few people really know about me. Here goes... My self-esteem was virtually nonexistent until about 5 years ago. The phrase "fake it 'til you make it" was my mantra. Growing up, I was the fat girl. I was constantly teased and talked about but acted like I never heard any of it. That worked for a really long time, or so I thought. In my late teens and early-mid twenties, I found out just how much of that didn't work. I would do just about anything to please people and fit in, even if it meant lowering my personal standards. I would do things I really didn't want to because it was easier to go along with it than to cause an argument. You could say that I was kind of a "Yes Girl"... or that I was most definitely a "Yes Girl". In doing this, I had pushed aside and hid any and all feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc. that could be seen as negative, inferior, or "not ladylike" {Mom-- I will always try to be as ladylike as possible!}. That's the change I'm working on now.
Going forward, I promise to just be the real me. To those who have asked me to do some things, here you go! I promise I will start to give myself a little credit. I promise to retire my fake voice... Yes, I said it. My fake voice. I promise I really will make myself a top priority.I promise that I will show other emotions, not just the positive ones. I promise that when I get upset/mad/irritated, I will let you know instead of shutting down.
And to me: "Once you learn to love yourself, you can love someone else." I promise to quit being so damn hard on myself. I'm only human, and it's okay to not be perfect.
