On the journey to being more self aware, it has come to my attention that I have been working on becoming a master mason... The walls I have built to protect myself from pain, embarrassment, heartbreak, and all the ugly things in the path of life, appear to be high, dense, and austere. Little did I realize that, while I was building a kingdom with a dragon and moat for my own protection, I also allowed myself to shut other out from the good things.
A couple of weeks ago, I was in need some pain relief, as well as peace and relaxation. While lying face down on the massage table, my massage therapist Tom asked me, “Why is your guard up today? You have something you’re holding onto and you have to let go.” {If you’ve been fortunate to meet Tom at Draper Peaks Massage Envy, you know that this is not an uncommon thing to have him read you} At first, I was taken aback; how could I be holding onto a feeling that would manifest itself as physical discomfort? I replied, “hmmm I think I’m fine... but that hurts!” Tom instructed me to breathe and focus on my emotions, and for the first time in all the years I’ve known him, it was dead silent. In the silence, I experienced clarity. My mind flooding with thoughts, body surging with feelings, tears running down my face and onto the headrest. As clear as day, I heard a loving and familiar voice in my head say, “Go for what you want! Stop letting the distractions get in your way. This is your chance.” We were only 20 minutes in to my 2 hour massage... It became a full on breakdown of what I needed to do to move on from these feelings I thought I had come to terms with.
The past four years have not been easy. There are things I have experienced and gone through that I didn’t think I could bounce back from. I’ve been scared, beaten down, hurt, felt alone, anxious, and honestly depressed, which I’ve never admitted out loud. There have been days where I wondered if I would ever feel happiness again. These items, issues, thoughts, experiences have been teaching moments, while also being a distraction. I would hold onto them and punish myself for not knowing better. I knew it was counterproductive, but I didn’t know how to move past it. In therapy I learned a technique; put the feelings or moments that would drag me down onto a lily pad and send it down the river. Recognize, Realize, Release, Relief. This analogy didn’t work as well for me as imagining a shopping bag, putting items that I didn’t need, then taking them to be returned. Same thing, whatever works for you.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot that it was okay to not have it all together all the time. I forgot that I could let things go and stop punishing myself for yesterday’s mistakes. The biggest distraction from reaching my goals has been me and my walls. No more.
In that two hour session, I poured my heart out. Some of it out loud to Tom, to the universe, some in silent prayer. I left with a lighter soul and a plan. The advice I heard so clearly was in the voice of my cute little grandma Litster❤️ She was never one to mince words... I know what I want for my life. I never thought I would be 35, single, never married, and childless. Remember when I laughed about serving a mission because there was “no way I’ll be 21 and single!” Bahahahaa, oh child please! To accomplish my goals, I have to let others in, stop self sabotaging, I have to be honest with myself and with whomever I share my life with. Walls down, open mind, honest heart.
Let’s see where this road takes me... Who knows? Where I’m going, I might not need roads😉
