2.28.2018

To love or be loved? I choose me... #ohhhthefeels



This may seem uncharacteristic of me, but here goes! You can either take me or leave me, that's up to you. It's kind of liberating to not focus myself worth on the opinion of others. Honestly, I didn't know that it wasn't "normal" to rely on the view of others to determine if you're worthy of their time. I also didn't realize that I have social anxiety. I'm fairly outgoing, never have had a problem meeting people, not shy in a new situation; not typical social anxiety traits. Having this idea of needing/wanting/relying on others, coupled with anxiety was soul crippling to me. Through this process of becoming more self-aware, recognizing my positives along with my shortcomings, and being the real me all of the time, I have realized that I'm an alright person. It has taken me a while, {maybe I have arrested development? This blog has been going on for-ev-ah!} but I am finally, truly okay with who I am.

To tie this to the quote I'm basing this post on, I have always been afraid to love myself. I love people, even when I say I hate everyone lol. I believe that the majority of people are good, kind-hearted, well-meaning people. I don't care what your religion, race, orientation, political leanings, upbringing, musical preferences, etc. are; I still love ya! {Unless you are being negative about one John Francis Bongiovi...those are fighting words.} Learning to love and accept myself, be vulnerable and letting my guard down; that's not easy nor does it feel natural. I feel exposed. I am choosing to love myself and allow myself to be loved.

One of my oldest and dearest friends was sitting across from me at lunch. I was divulging some secret part of my fears, my experience, why I feel inferior and unworthy of being loved for just being me. If we hadn't been in public and he wasn't such a gentleman, I'm 99.9999% sure he would have thrown something at me. He stopped me mid-sentence and said something that resonated so clearly with me. "Kort, do you love your neighbor? Do you love your family? Do you give your love, time, and service to others? Why don't you see that you're perfect just how you are?" Not gonna lie, that stung. Like, my eyes were stinging with some tears I was fighting back {I cannot be seen crying in a restaurant lol}. I know I'm not perfect; all too aware of that! But what he said makes sense. If I can love others so freely, why can't I do the same for me?

So far, 2018 has been interesting. I don't want to come off like I can finally like myself because my body is finally responding to some weight-shedding regimen. That has been a nice surprise, like a cherry on top of a lifetime of struggling. If you go back to the first post on this blog, about 4 years ago, you will see that after years of doctors and tests, they discovered my weird thyroid issue. Then they put my on HCG and I dropped 35lbs in less than a month. Then a total of 76lbs in 8 weeks. It was a nice perk to the almost dying from being septic. I bring this up only to point out that this change of my outlook is not related to my weight or shape.

It’s going to be an interesting year, full of ups and downs, along with continual change. I can’t wait to see what happens! Here’s to 2018 *clink my Diet Coke can to yours* and to being physically, mentally, and psychologically healthy! To love❤️ xoxoxo

No comments:

Post a Comment

Where opinions are heard: